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My Spiritual Journey S3-E4 (The C Word)

It started with me waking up in the mornings with a dull pain in my lower back. Thinking I was in need of a Chiropractic treatment. I would wait until I would go back home to Millet to get one. The rest of my back would feel great after but my lower back continued to get worse. I knew I should go to the doctor and get a check up. One morning I woke up in my bed in Lethbridge and I swung my legs over the bed and the pain was so intense I could barley walk. The pain radiated from my lower back, down my legs and in my lower stomach. It took everything in me to get ready for class that morning. I knew today was the day. I got to the college and booked myself in at the college clinic. I remember feeling so nauseated sitting there waiting. I waited for about a half hour and finally it was my turn. Getting up was painful. The doctor asked what I was there to see him for and I explained the pains I was having. What does he do? Give me a pregnancy test. There was a one hundred percent chance I was NOT pregnant. It wasn’t even possible unless I was the Mother Mary. Of course, it came back negative. He then gave me a physical and sent me on my way. I continued going to classes and going on with my days but the pain only got worse. My Moon cycles were non ending and I felt like I had nothing left in me. So, I headed back to the clinic about a week later. Again, another pregnancy test…again another negative. This time they gave me a full physical. He said there was a lump in my breast and they would have to biopsy it. And if Cancerous they would have to remove it. What?! I was in complete shock. I called my mom and told her completely not thinking this is why I went in. I was scared and alone and of course when the results came back it was nothing. Relief…. but the pain only worsened in my back and legs, making it impossible to get up some mornings. I was living off of Advil for the stomach pain and just kept thinking why are they not finding anything? Fast forward one year later! I had been in and out of that college clinic seeing a different doctor every time. Taking a pregnancy test every time! The last male doctor I saw there did the same routine, pregnancy test and physical. When he was done his examine, I sat on the bed and he sat staring at my file and had the audacity to tell me it was all in my head and maybe I needed to seek professional help. I was at my wits end. I knew something was not right. It was now affecting my performance and attendance at college and no one was listening to me. I left there feeling very heavy and lost. What could I do? The very next morning I could feel my stomach burning and sharp pains, my legs were so swollen that when I pushed my finger on them an indent was left, and my gosh bending over my back felt like it would snap in half. I thought today is the day, no one can ignore this.

I booked it back to the college clinic. There was a lovely pregnant doctor seeing me that day. Of course, as per routine a pregnancy test was done. Of course, it was negative. But she could not deny the fact that my legs looked like swollen tree trunks. I started crying and I could not stop. I told her this has been going on for over a year and the pain was getting worse but they were not finding anything. I told her the last doctor told me it was all in my head and that I needed professional help. She then sat there going through my chart for a while. She looked up at me and said that she had a very good friend who was a male doctor and would I mind if she showed him my chart. I said no please do. The next day around 10:00am I was sitting in class when the nurse from the clinic called my cell phone and told me to pop in downstairs at the clinic after my class. As I made my way down to the clinic after class, I was overwhelmed with anxiety and heaviness. As soon as I entered the clinic, she rushed over to me and put her arm around my shoulders guiding me over to a table with a chair. She had me sit down and I heard her rambling something about Cancer. Cancer…. Cancer?! In front of me where pamphlets fanned out on the table. I couldn’t hear a word she was saying. I saw Cervical Cancer on one of the pamphlets. She was holding me while she was talking and my eyesight was blurred, my hearing gone, I had to get out of there. I remember standing up and wobbling, my knees were weak. I remember grabbing my back pack and walking out the front doors of the college. I don’t remember getting to my car or the drive home.

I walked into my place (I Was now living in Coaldale just outside of Lethbridge in a duplex with my boyfriend who was absolutely useless), made myself a coffee, went onto the back deck and sat with the sun beaming on my face. I remember not crying but the tears were streaming down from my eyes and not stopping. I saw the biggest orb of light steaming down out of a sun ray. I watched it swirl around my head and I instantly felt complete calmness. Like nothing was wrong. I felt at complete peace. To whoever that was I thank you. I took a deep breath and my next thought was I have to call my mom and dad. I knew how scared and upset my parents would be and I knew the phone call was going to be harder on them then it was me. In fact, the whole process was harder on them then me. I was not scared. I said to them, whatever happens will happen and is meant to be.

You see what happened was, that kind female doctor gave my file to an amazing Gynecologist. One of the best. He found my Cancer. It also showed that it was on my previous physicals and he could not understand why no one had seen it on my results. I fought for over a year! They told me it was in my head! It just goes to show to follow your intuition and keep fighting when something does not feel right. After having to wait six months to have my first procedure it was finally time. At this point my condition had hit rock bottom. The day to day pain was unbearable and increasingly getting worse. I swelled so bad; it was if my body was holding onto everything it had. My mom and my auntie Roxy came down to support me and help me. I was so thankful for this, just knowing they were in the other room gave me the courage and strength to get through this. The Cancer Clinic opened in Lethbridge just before I had my first procedure. It was so awful. I was strapped down, told not to move or they could paralyze me if they hit the wrong spot, the nurse cradled my head. I never took to any freezing and they were burning the cancer cells off inside of me. I will never forget the smell of burning flesh, and the pain…oh my gawd the pain. They asked if I wanted them to stop because after four needles, I still was feeling everything. They explained it would be around another six months to get in if they did stop. I opened my eyes. I looked up and saw a white light. Someone was talking to me as if in my mind, a female, “You can do this, you will do this, there is worse pain, I am here with you.” I felt a warmness in my hand as if someone was holding it. I took myself to a beautiful area of trees and water, where the sun was shining on me where I felt nothing but calmness and peace. I looked at the doctor and said, “Go.” I bared down, squeezed my eyes shut and screamed as they burnt the cancer cells off. They ended up cutting out part of the cancer and told me I would never have children as my insides were so scared and damaged after various treatments and procedures. I had to come to terms with this. But in the back of my mind I couldn’t. My heart hurt so bad for the yearning of a child. I went through so many procedures, and physicals over the years that I felt like a science experiment and all of my dignity had been taken away. I no longer felt worthy or attractive. I was lost. It took many years later to get the all clear. If it had not been the for the support of my immediate family I honestly don’t know if I would have still been here on this physical earth. So to them I thank them for loving me, supporting me and always being there for me.


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