My Spiritual Journey S2-E6 (Who am I?)


From a small child and into my teenage years I really tried to find which religion resonated with me. I would go with various friends to their churches. I always loved the music and the sense of togetherness. I knew there was a Creator. I never did question the thought, but I had trouble trying to decipher which beliefs of the Creator I wanted to follow. As a teenager you are already trying to figure out who you really are and then you throw religion into it and it became a mass confusion for me. I went to various youth group trying to find my spot. What I found though was because I was Baptised Catholic, I wasn’t fully accepted into one, and I was judged in the other by people who I thought were close friends because of who I was and the way I lived my life. Now very hypocritical I would say as they never judged the “cool kids” for their lifestyle. But I was an easy target. I was too kind, I was impressionable, a giver and emotional. Finally, I put my foot down and decided this is not the way of the Lord. You do not judge others. You accept everyone as they are. Just because you go to Church every Sunday does not make you any Hollier than I. And believe me the judgers were the ones who were at parties drinking, smoking and trash talking each other behind their backs. At least I believed in the Creator while speaking honestly and not denying how I lived my life just to make someone else accept me. I had met a boy in one of the youth groups. I was smitten on him. He was a few years older and finished school already. We would go on dates to movies, dinners, watching Survivor every week and group outings. The girls in this group were so judgemental which was very sad because we grew up as best friends. But on their end, there was a feeling of competition with me for some reason. And again, they were better than me because they had been attending church longer. Finally, I could not take the judgement, criticizing and competition because I knew I would never be fully accepted into their click, so I packed it in. I broke off my innocent relationship with the boy (he was one that never judged me) and walked away from the group of better than you girls. It was time to live my life for me and be true to myself. Does this mean I did not believe in the Creator? Absolutely not! But you know what?! I was true and honest to myself without having to be in the coolest clothes, the best make up and all around fake and judgemental. I was free to be friends with whoever I wanted to be friends with now. And guess what? I became friends with kids in every different group there was in high school! I was accepted into every group without judgement. Because I was kind and accepting of everyone else. I had so much fun, I wish I had done it sooner. I made life long friends, memories and found out as an adult I also helped change some of those lives. It was so freeing to be who I wanted to be and not have to be under a microscope. It really went to show though how much those girls really did care about me as they never did reach out to me and to this day will not even say hello unless I do, which I always do. I learned a lot of life lessons from these various groups and it opened my eyes to every different belief and aspect to life. This was just the tip of the ice berg in my journey. Realizing I still had a long way to go to figure out who I really was and what to do with my dreams, intuitions, messages etc. I took a break from trying to belong to a church but still kept my faith in my Creator.